


How to pet a nazi

by chan_bi



Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: Bars and Pubs, Beer, Hitler vs T-rex, Multi, all three of them, real irish brewed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 06:29:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13541685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chan_bi/pseuds/chan_bi
Summary: “All I’m saying is that it’s just as selfish as wanting to see a dinosaur! Or more, even”“Wanting to kill Hitler?”(Just three people having a normal conversation in a bar)





	How to pet a nazi

**Author's Note:**

> I just really wanted to try writing these characters, maybe one day I'll try to write an actual story with them.
> 
> As always thank you to Daisy, my beta, [here's her tumblr](http://occlueen.tumblr.com/).

“All I’m saying is that it’s just as selfish as wanting to see a dinosaur! Or more, even”

“Wanting to kill Hitler?” Said Jesse, incredulous.

  


Tulip, Cassidy and him were sitting at a table near the back entrance of an Irish bar in Jackson, Mississipi.

Tulip had stopped there after what she and Jesse had started to call a “Cassidy Rant™” about how a person should not be able to see through a glass of beer. She practically dragged them inside so they could drink some of those weird bitter black things that Cassidy still insisted to call beers, (he still had the courage to complain they weren’t dark enough to be ‘real Irish brewed’, but only an ‘Americans’ way to make people think they can do everything other countries can, and let me tell you, Tulip, luv, Padre, I love you, but, yeh really cannot’).

  


“Yes, wanting to kill Hitler is just as selfish! Let me tell yeh, no, think about it, it’ll do any good? No! Would it be only for yer own personal gratification? Yes! And plus yeh would huv the satisfaction of having an imaginary moral high-ground, and I do know how much yeh love those things, Padre.”

“Now wait a minute...”

“Despite how much I’m loving this gratuitous roasting of Jesse, and really, believe me, I do. I’m not following, how can you say that it wouldn’t do any good? If I could go back in time and kill Hitler it would also be for the good of everybody else, with all the trouble that dick caused to all those people” she said gesturing vaguely at something far away.

“Yes, but yeh wouldn’t have stopped ‘im” replied Cassidy. 

He was about to continue, after a gulp of his beer but Tulip stopped him, more loudly than before.

“No, I would have! I’d’ve killed him before he started everything of... those things he did...”

“That of course you know all about don’t you? Always been the history buff, you.”

“Shut up Jesse!”

“Hey, killing Hitler was my answer of the stupid game, you go find yourself your argument to argue about”

“This isn’t about you Jesse, I know it’s a shock for you when something isn’t.”

“You tell ‘im”

“And I’m not finished with you, too! I’d kill Hitler, it would be great and everybody would be happy”

“No they wouldn’t”

“How can you say that?” They both shouted.

“Because it would already had happened, wouldn’t it? Think about it, it’s something that has already happened, for us, for the people to whom has happened. It’s not like it would change anything, for ‘em. The things that shouldn’t huv happened already happened, other versions of those people would be the ones without the Nazi things”

Tulip hit the table with the glass she was holding, without breaking it but making a noise loud enough to get some looks from some of the other customers.

“Now I know you are just saying things”

“Yeah Cass, you’re not making any sense”

“Exactly, like, if the Hitlers things didn’t happened, they didn’t happened to the people that had them happened to them” she turned to Jesse for support “Right?”

“Right, I just think that you saw how my answer to your stupid ‘What would you do if you had the power to go back in time’ game was clearly better than yours, and now you’re just trying to get away with it, honestly, why would you want to pet a dinosaur? Who would want to do that?”

“I’ll huv yeh know that they happened to be majestic creatures!” Cassidy voice went high pitched, earning some more disconcerted looks from the other people in the bar.  
Then Cassidy got serious all of a sudden, leaned forward and with a very low and hoarse voice he added, “Huv yeh not seen Jurassic Park?”

Tulip and Jesse, that at the sudden change of demeanor had too gotten closer, huffed and fell back into the seats, Tulip getting another swing of her beer, Jesse just rolling his eyes while searching his pockets for cigarettes and lighter.

“You huven’t have you? Neither of you? ‘hat just explains so much about yeh, Padre. John Wayne being your favorite movie star, with Jeff Goldblum existing in the same universe? Now I truly do understand… Mind lending a fellow a fag? Cheers Padre… Yes now I get it, it’s not your fault. It’s the way you two lads were raised. No appreciation for the masterpieces, that’s it! Talk about not being one of ‘the good guys’ without the basis...”

  


Tulip, unlike other people, knew exactly the point where a teasing or a banter became something more dangerous with Jesse Custer, a talent that more than once she used for the purpose of starting a fight, or stir the pot. This time she used it to stop a quarrel before it could start, thanks also to Cassidy real superpower: the ability to forget what was he talking about a minute before given a new subject to rant about.

  


“I still don’t understand how can you say it doesn’t matter if I go back in time and kill Hitler!”

Both men blinked at her a couple of times, Jesse, that was already stiffening, maybe because the thing about his father but probably more about the John Wayne stuff, relaxed a little. Then Cassidy took a deep breath, and both Tulip and Jesse knew they were about to get hit by a “Cassidy Rant™” of high level. One of those rants where, even without the 6 (about to become 9) empty pints stacking up at the center of the table, they wouldn’t get at least two out five words in it.

“’hat’s the thing, yeh’d go back in time to solve some’hing that has already happened, right? So if yeh’r so sure about going there to kill ‘hat guy, a guy yeh’v never even met, it’s because you know he did some’hing that he shouldn’t’ve, didn’t he? So it’s already happened, people has already suffered the things because yeh know they did, for yeh to huv the willingness to go back to right them. So even if yeh do it, and yeh get ‘im, and everything bad about the Nazis was really caused by only the one person and not by those others guys, The Oligarchs, who were controlling ‘im, the things had already happened, hadn’t they. The things that would happen to the people that would happen to get the things that happened changed would really happen to a different version of the people, not yours, the one you remember, am I right? Yeh’d go home happy for a job well done but in reality it would be the same for those who were in the shite that first time.”

  


Jesse and Tulip were just there, drinking the last sips of their ‘beers’. She was just relishing on a clash avoided for once, and enjoying the show of Jesse half trying to understand what the other was saying (not that she was getting any of that shit herself), half waiting for a pause in the ramblings to maybe stop it at last.

“Where were you during Hitlers time, Cassidy? Why didn’t you stop him, you said you are what, a hundred and nineteen? You were already a vampire by then,right? You could have killed him easy.”

“A hundred and twenty, thank you very much, and let me just say, those were not good years for yours truly.. If yeh think I’m a junkie now, yeh should huv seen me ‘hen, really, and, also, I was already in the States wasn’t I? Been here for almost two decades at that point, I think...”

“Wait a minute, are you saying that you have left Ireland almost a hundred years ago” Tulip intervened. 

“More like ninety years, giv or take” 

“And you haven’t been there ever since?” added Jesse, that had easily got where she was going with it.

“So you really cannot remember how a ‘real Irish brewed’ would taste like, and you really aren’t in any position to insult a real blond beer are you?”

“You are saying that we drank these more bitter than death itself beers all night just because you wanted to complain about something as opposed to another thing you cannot even remember”

“Well it really gets lonely in the back of the car all by meself after a while, yeh know? And even if I, let’s say, don’t really remember a true Irish...”

  


At that point the door of the bar opened with a slam, revealing a weird little guy with a pink and black rain jacket, and really memorable mustaches. He stayed in the doorway for a couple of seconds and then started to run through the bar, followed by two cops, that tackled him, just in front of their table, and dragged him away, apologizing loudly to the costumers and the staff.

All three of them kept staring in silence at the point where the guy had just been grabbed.

  


“Ok, that was not, that couldn’t have been...” “What in the shite had just happened? Was he really...” “Did you fucking spice our drinks again because I swear to God Cassidy this time I’ll make you really pay...”

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr](http://lylvandam.tumblr.com/) if you want to talk about time travel (I promise I'm better than Cassidy in explaining my theories), or if you want to prompt something!


End file.
